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Yes, it’s long been a dream of mine to be the first brave soul to explore the intersection of two incredibly niche topics: an NBA team featuring world-famous superstars and the most successful media franchise of all-time. Enough with the teasing. If the Mavs’ top-12 were competitive Pokémon in the current Generation 9, which would they be?

Luka Dončić – Kyurem

The comp: Kyurem’s ability is Pressure; Kyurem can do everything: special sweeper, special breaker, physical setup sweeper, bulky staller, just like Dončić; Kyurem is 9-foot-10, which is usually the highest Dončić jumps to finish around the rim (he only dunked twice last season)

This one was a little tougher to decide than I’d initially thought, but hear me out. When Generation 9 first launched, Kyurem was so dominant, so utterly oppressive and centralizing to Pokémon singles’ Overused (OU) tier, players voted on whether or not it should be banned entirely from the meta, and things got messy. Do you remember when Dončić scored 73 and the entire NBA industrial complex nearly had a meltdown? It turns out the league did quietly change the rules mid-season after all, but that didn’t affect Dončić one bit. Maybe the problem isn’t the rules. Maybe the problem is Dončić is just too good.

Kyrie Irving – Dragapult

The comp: Dragapult is cool and is probably your favorite Generation 8 Pokémon, and Kyrie’s game is among the most aesthetically pleasing in league history; one of Dragapult’s abilities, Clear Body, prevents it from being affected by stat changes, and Irving is difficult to rattle

Dragapult can do a little bit of everything. Need it to do a ton of damage? Slap a Life Orb or Choice item on it and let it get to work. Need momentum? It can do that. Need something fast to spread burn or paralysis all over the place? It’s here to help. It’s one of the fastest Pokémon in the game and can 1v1 most of the meta’s top threats, but in the right situation it can also neutralize most of the things that can beat it. Irving’s greatest strength is knowing exactly when the team needs him to score, when he should facilitate, and when he should dig in on defense. He can score 35 whenever he wants, but he only does when he has to. He’s the best supporting superstar in the NBA.

Klay Thompson – Walking Wake

The comp: Walking Wake can walk on water, and Klay likes boats

Walking Wake is very powerful on its own, but it becomes even more devastating when the Sunny weather condition is active, giving it a boost to its highest stat (almost always special attack). Its signature move, Hydro Steam, gets a 50 percent boost in strength. Sounds pretty… SPLASHY, right? Right?? Walking Wake can also learn Flamethrower — self-explanatory — and a relatively useless move called Dragon Cheer, but it’s still wholesome.

P.J. Washington Jr. – Gliscor

The comp: Gliscor is 6-foot-7 just like Washington; and while scorpions aren’t very similar to hornets, they’re kind of close

Gliscor is an absolute pain in the butt to beat. It has pretty good stats and solid defensive typing, but it shouldn’t be as difficult as it is to take down. Even the game’s most threatening Pokémon launch attacks that bounce off it. Washington is a stubborn defender with the unique size and strength to defend players much larger than him. The real source of this comp, though, comes from Gliscor’s ability Toxic Heal, which restores instead of drains its health when inflicted by the poisoned status. And, well, Washington doesn’t shy away from mixing things up. Your tears only make him stronger.

Dereck Lively II – Corviknight

The comp: Corviknight has an ability called Unnerve, and what’s more unnerving than the thought of a 7-foot-2 giant waiting to humiliate you at the rim?

Corviknight is already one of the premier defensive utility Pokémon in the game, despite only just arriving onto the scene in Generation 8. Lively also just wrapped up his rookie season. It has a monstrous defense stat, and it can turn its defense into offense using the move Body Press. Lively does that too! A lot!

Daniel Gafford – Zamazenta

The comp: Much like Corviknight, Zamazenta is a physically defensive menace, but it pretty regularly also uses the move Roar, and Gafford is a pretty expressive fellow out there

One major development in Zamazenta’s competitive viability in Generation 9, as opposed to its debut in Generation 8, is there’s been so much power creep in the game that it now resides in OU as opposed to being forcibly banned to Ubers. Gafford’s platoon partner Lively took major strides during last season’s playoffs and will almost certainly supplant Gafford as the starting center moving forward, meaning the veteran big man will have the pleasure of duking it out with backups most of the time. And considering he at one point made 33 consecutive field goal attempts last season, he must be licking his chops heading into this one. (You know, like a wolf.)

Naji Marshall – Excadrill

The comp: Marshall’s nickname is “The Knife,” and Excadrill has knives for hands; their names both end with double-Ls, which is pretty cool

Excadrill has a very unique defensive niche in the game. Steel is considered one of the best defensive typings in the game, but Excadrill is also immune to Electric moves. Generally, Electric types are fast and not much else resists thosee moves. Marshall can handle most of the big, bulky point forwards running around these days, but he can also match up against some quicker guards as well, unlike other wings of similar-ish size on the roster like Washington or Maxi Kleber at this point in his career. Its offensive stats are kind of just OK, but Excadrill can increase its speed either by using Rapid Spin or entering the field during the Sandstorm weather condition. If Marshall can continue to shoot the ball well (and he’ll get plenty of good looks, that’s for sure) he can become a very dangerous offensive presence within the Mavs’ system.

Spencer Dinwiddie – Porygon-Z

The comp: Porygon-Z originates from the digital realm, and Dinwiddie has been a big crypto guy

Porygon-Z is a bit glassy and it’s not one of the faster things in the game anymore, but it can still be very effective in the right situation. Dinwiddie’s days as a regular NBA starter might be coming to an end, but he can still be a productive third guard and will likely be one of the best spot-starter guards in the league this season. He also once hit five 3s off the bench and scored 30 points off the bench in a road Game 7, so the guy is perfectly capable of blasting opponents to smithereens with a Tri Attack.

Quentin Grimes – Tinkaton

The comp: Tinkaton has the Pickpocket ability, and Grimes once had four steals in a game; it carries around a giant hammer to bash Corviknights out of the sky, which is something Grimes may or may not do

Tinkaton is a great utility Pokémon capable of setting hazards, spreading status, and knocking off opponents’ items. In other words, it’s a pest. Look how annoying it must be to go up against Grimes.

Grimes also nearly dropped a Gigaton Hammer on the Mavericks during the 2022-23 season, scoring 33 points for the shorthanded Knicks. It took a 60-point Dončić masterpiece to save the Mavs from the loss.

Maxi Kleber – Torkoal

The comp: Torkoal is big and strong

Torkoal has the rare and valuable ability to set the Sunny weather condition when comes onto the field, which enables teammates (such as Walking Wake) to activate special abilities and create potentially devastating advantages. Kleber still has the defensive versatility to fill in gaps all over the place and give Dallas a variety of tactical options. Torkoal is primarily a supporter, but it can occasionally be used to launch a couple powerful offensive moves. Kleber once hit eight 3-pointers in a playoff game and did this to the Lakers in 2023, and I’ll keep it real with you: it’s always funny when the Lakers lose.

Jaden Hardy – Barraskewda

The comp: Barraskewda is extremely fast, very cool, and has big offensive ability… We all just wish it could do a little more

Barraskewda is a featured piece on many Rain and some hyper-offense teams, but it has a hard time fitting in several other team constructs. Hardy’s biggest development last season came in the playoffs, when he flashed intriguing potential as a connective piece within the offense rather than a scorer, attacking gaps in the Thunder and Wolves’ defense to look to score or for lob targets. If he can continue developing into that type of player, he could fit very well next to one of the Mavs’ superstar guards. If not, though, the team has many other options to choose from.

Dante Exum – Jirachi

The comp: Jirachi is a jack of all trades — while primarily used defensively or as a supporter, it can sometimes be used offensively

Jirachi, a.k.a. “The Wish Pokémon,” is capable of using a move while it’s in the field that will restore either its own HP or the HP of a teammate the following turn. Exum’s fill-in performance last December for the injured Kyrie Irving helped keep the Mavs’ season afloat.

BONUS: Olivier-Maxence Prosper – Smeargle

The comp: Smeargle is an agent of chaos.