Predicting all 82 Mavericks games in a not-quite-serious way

Last week, the NBA’s schedule was released. There has already been great analysis done by others on the basics: back-to-backs, nationally televised games, and so on. Instead, I’d rather just spoil the results for you. If you don’t want to know what will happen in all 82 games the Dallas Mavericks will play this season, feel free to skip this. But no one, and I sincerely mean no one, will have this scoop except DLLS.

Oct. 24 vs. San Antonio

Victor Wembanyama’s alien-esque block of a Luka Dončić stepback 3 leads SportsCenter. Dončić’s 47 points in a 31-point win goes unmentioned.

Oct. 26 at Phoenix

Dončić and Devin Booker throw away past rivalry, spark bromance over shared love for cool cars.

Oct. 28 vs. Utah

We all spend the game bewildered that Lauri Markkanen’s still here.

Oct. 29 at Minnesota

Dončić isn’t very nice to Rudy Gobert.

Oct. 31 vs. Houston

Jeff ‘Skin’ Wade does the season’s first post-game interview with Dončić, asks him if he had a brat summer. Dončić looks confused.

Nov. 3 vs. Orlando

P.J. Washington gets caught on a hot mic thanking Kentavious Caldwell-Pope for making the Western Conference easier.

Nov. 4 vs. Indiana

Rick Carlisle shouts out how much he’s enjoying DLLS.

Nov. 6 vs. Chicago

In my media seat, I ask, “Wait, how many consecutive makes does Daniel Gafford have now?”

Nov. 8 vs. Phoenix

Dončić invites Booker over to house to check out his cars.

Nov. 10 at Denver

I visit the DNVR offices and decide we must up our DLLS office’s snack game.

Nov. 12 at Golden State

No news of note.

Nov. 14 at Utah

Markkanen’s still here.

Nov. 16 vs. San Antonio

Jaden Hardy dribbles through Wembanyama’s legs.

Nov. 17 at Oklahoma City

Washington hits seven corner 3s. Thunder fans insist he’ll stop making them any day now.

Nov. 19 vs. New Orleans

Kyrie Irving invents a new version of the Shammgod.

Nov. 22 at Denver

I give up and steal a bunch of snacks from the DNVR office.

Nov. 24 at Miami

A maturing Dončić has an early night in.

Nov. 25 at Atlanta

Dončić scores 74.

Nov. 27 vs. New York

Dončić worries Brunson never actually liked him because he didn’t go to Villanova.

Nov. 30 at Utah

Markkanen’s still here, scores 42, hits a game-winner. He’s promptly shut down for the season.

Dec. 1 at Portland

Irving has his annual December injury.

Dec. 3 vs. Memphis

The “everyone’s forgetting about the Grizzlies” summer storyline is conveniently forgotten amidst a .500 record.

Dec. 5 at Washington

I visit Jose Andres’ Zaytinya and once again get mad they closed the Frisco location. Mostly for poor Olivier-Maxence Prosper’s sake.

Dec. 7 at Toronto

Klay Thompson forgets his passport.

Dec. 19 vs. LA

Terance Mann claims the American Airlines Center is a sad excuse for a stadium, suggests Dallas should build its own Intuit Dome.

Dec. 21 vs. LA

Dallas wins both games by a combined 41 points.

Dec. 23 vs. Portland

The Trail Blazers, excited for better weather, arrive just in time for our every-other-year ice storm.

Dec. 25 vs. Minnesota

I don’t make predictions about Christmas. I like to be surprised.

Dec. 27 at Phoenix

Dončić visits Booker’s house to see his cars. The next day, Stephen A. Smith expresses his disgust at male friendship.

Dec. 28 at Portland

Scheduled rest game for a road back-to-back. Fans included.

Dec. 30 vs. Sacramento

I finally remember DeMar DeRozan plays here now.

Jan. 1 vs. Houston

Kyrie Irving returns from his annual December injury.

Jan. 3 vs. Cleveland

max strus again

Jan. 6 at Memphis

I am actually down on the Grizzlies this year, at least compared to what seems like the national consensus, but they’ll probably still be pretty good. Man, what a conference. Not really a joke here. Just explaining the earlier one. Damn, there’s a lot of games in a season.

Jan. 7 vs. Los Angeles

Bronny James outscores his father. Unclear how.

Jan. 9 vs. Portland

Stop sending me fake Jerami Grant trades.

Jan. 12 vs. Denver

Dončić and Jokić both have triple-doubles.

Jan. 14 vs. Denver

Dončić and Jokić both have triple-doubles again.

Jan. 15 at New Orleans

Marc Stein finally convinces me to start capitalizing my tweets in the post-game show.

Jan. 17 vs. Oklahoma City

Thompson hits seven corner 3s. Thunder fans insist he’ll stop making them any day now.

Jan. 20 at Charlotte

Grant Williams says he has now FaceTime’d Dončić over a thousand times about the basketball card he has of him. No response yet, Williams says, but he’s optimistic he’ll pick up soon.

Jan. 22 vs. Minnesota

Dirk Nowitzki sits courtside. Karl-Anthony Towns apologizes that one thing he said.

Jan. 23 at Oklahoma City

Another road back-to-back in Oklahoma? Now that’s a joke.

Jan. 25 vs. Boston

Irving reads a poem he wrote in his post-game press conference.

Jan. 27 vs. Washington

Kyle Kuzma, addressing the Mavericks’ trade interest in him last season, says, “Gotta hand it to Nico Harrison. There’s no way they’d have made the Finals if it’d have been me.”

Jan. 29 at New Orleans

Dereck Lively II credits his first career triple-double to an intense night building Legos earlier in the week.

Jan. 31 at Detroit

Marc Stein briefly leaves the post-game show to break the season’s biggest news story.

Feb. 2 at Cleveland

max strus be serious stop this

Feb. 4 at Philadelphia

Our crossover show with PHLY’s Kyle Neubeck and Derek Bodner is an absolute delight!

Feb. 6 at Boston

Irving’s press conference passes the three-hour mark with no end in sight.

Feb. 8 vs. Houston

Amen Thompson admits the real reason he committed that bizarre flagrant foul against Maxi Kleber last season was that he just doesn’t like Bayern Munich. Everyone nods in agreement.

Feb. 10 vs. Sacramento

New player debuts two days after the trade deadline. Wait, this one’s gonna be real.

Feb. 12 vs. Golden State

Thompson arrives to the American Airlines Center by boat. Unclear how.

Feb. 13 vs. Miami

On our post-game show, Bobby Karalla solves basketball.

Feb. 21 vs. New Orleans

Mark Followill coins a new Dončić catchphrase.

Feb. 23 at Golden State

Thompson declares the San Francisco Bay may as well be a shallow pond compared to the grandeur of Lake Lewisville.

Feb. 25 at Los Angeles

We headline our post-game show: “Has Dante Exum actually become the player that Australians thought Ben Simmons would be?”

Feb. 27 vs. Charlotte

Grant Williams holds a press conference to announce Dončić has finally answered one of his FaceTimes. It’s later reported it might have been by accident.

Mar. 1 vs. Milwaukee

Quentin Grimes credits his first career triple-double to an afternoon visit to Jimmy Food’s Store.

Mar. 3 vs. Sacramento

I spend the post-game show confused how ​​Chimezie Metu, who no longer plays for the Kings, hit a game-winning corner 3.

Mar. 5 at Milwaukee

Milwaukee feels like a city that has a specialty food item called the Milwaukee Sandwich with an ingredient called Sacramento in the middle. Eh. I don’t know. It’s a joke about the schedule. Don’t think this one landed. Please understand I’m literally doing my best.

Mar. 7 vs. Memphis

I write a Jon Bois-esque alternate universe saga about what would’ve happened if Dallas had drafted Desmond Bane.

Mar. 9 vs. Phoenix

Dončić and Booker decide they preferred disliking each other. Their cars are sad that the bromance is over.

Mar. 10 at San Antonio

ok he’s really good

Mar. 12 at San Antonio

like really really good

Mar. 14 at Houston

Amen Thompson announces he’s become a Borussia Dortmund fan. This kid’s gonna be a star.

Mar. 16 vs. Philadelphia

Naji Marshall credits his first career triple-double to a pre-game steak from Knife.

Mar. 19 at Indiana

A disheveled Carlisle admits to staying up all night catching up on DLLS shows.

Mar. 21 vs. Detroit

Remember that consecutive made field goals streak from Gafford that I asked about on press row earlier in the season? It’s still going.

Mar. 24 at Brooklyn

Dorian Finney-Smith has an amusing on-court reunion with his former Nets teammates.

Mar. 25 at New York

Brunson pulls some strings, has Dončić presented with an honorary Villanova degree before the game.

Mar. 27 at Orlando

Kentavious Caldwell-Pope gets caught on a hot mic thanking P.J. Washington for making the Eastern Conference easier.

Mar. 29 at Chicago

Gafford’s streak ends at 312 consecutive makes.

Mar. 31 vs. Brooklyn

On our post-game show, we set aside a segment to discuss Kevin Gray Jr.’s recent appearance on Good Morning America, where Michael Strahan asked him, “How do you put up with these nerds?” I concede Michael has a point.

Apr. 2 vs. Atlanta

Hawks players go on strike, claim that defending Dončić violates workplace safety laws.

Apr. 4 at LA

This arena really does have a lot of bathrooms, I begrudgingly admit on the post-game show.

Apr. 5 at LA

I forgot to make any Jason Kidd jokes. Pretend there’s a good one here.

Apr. 9 vs. Los Angeles

At halftime, Adam Silver presents Dončić with the MVP trophy after he finishes atop Tim Bontemps’ straw poll earlier in the day.

Apr. 11 vs. Toronto

A bewildered Thompson, clutching his passport, looks around an empty airport.

Apr. 13 at Memphis

Grizzlies probably make me look dumb or whatever. But we somehow made it through all 82. I swear I’m still a serious journalist and all that. This is a warning I may have Some Fun Online this season, though. See y’all very soon.